"You don't have cancer, but you do have this disease..."
The follow-up appointment with my doctor led to a very interesting turn of events. Seems that the biopsy of the removed left half of my thyroid was full of evidence of Hashimoto's disease! In other words, those cells they removed with the needle aspiration - the ones that were "suspicious for malignancy" - the ones that led me to the surgical removal of the left side of my thyroid - were benign Hurthle cells that were actually a result of Hashimoto's toll on my thyroid. Of course they removed the adenoma when they excised the thyroid's half, but this disease doesn't even begin in the thyroid - the thyroid issues are only symptoms of this autoimmune disease.
Very quickly, what exactly IS Hashimoto's? From what I have learned so far, it's when your body's digestive system doesn't work properly due to a 'leaky gut' (here's where you google). Leaky guts are caused by our horrendous diets of 'whatever-I-want-to-eat-by-God-nobody can-tell-me-what-to-eat-or-not-eat'. So yeah, I spent 36 years of my life in that mode. The damage is done. So your stomach 'leaks' and then you eat sugars and processed foods full of sugars and just all sorts of unhealthy foods and they make their way through the membrane of your gut and get into your bloodstream. This is not what God intended. So then our bodies see these foreign bodies in places they ought not be and go "Whoa! You're not supposed to be in here!", so they make antibodies to fight the intruders. Funny thing is, your thyroid cells and the leaked cells look so much alike that the antibodies begin to attack your thyroid. BAZINGA! You have Hashimoto's disease. These attacks on the thyroid can cause goiters to grow. They also make you swing from hypothyroidism to periods of normalcy and sometimes bouts of hyperthyroidism! Roller coaster ride of mood swings, indeed. --I must put a disclaimer here because nobody knows with complete certainty what causes autoimmunities. Most believe it's hereditary and many believe it's a combo of genetics and icky food choices for years. The combo is what I believe at this moment in my journey.--
Can I take you back in time to 2008 when I couldn't stop crying? It may seem as if I'm changing the subject, but trust me, I'm not. I actually think this stress triggered my first Hash attack (although like most people with Hash, I think I've had it much longer than just in my adulthood). I was going through unexpected and extreme emotional stress and something just sort of switched in my brain. Like a light switch. It was so very distinct and sudden and I thought I was going crazy. Simply looking anyone in the eyes would make the floodgates open. My doctor told me it was anxiety. He gave me a Wellbutrin and Trazodone combination that worked miraculously! I swear I've built an altar to them. After just a couple of months on them, I told my husband and kids, "When I die, just put those two meds in the casket with me so I'll be alright." ha! I cared about life, I exercised, I had a good life and made friends. I've made a few attempts over the years to wean myself off of them when things were going good, but when I did, I turned into a hermit. Total isolation was my miserable comfort. Talking was a waste of time and effort. Just let me sleep. Just let me stay home. Just leave me alone and let me stay in bed. I would eat and eat and gain weight quickly. I would try so very hard to be 'normal', but it wasn't there. It just wasn't there. When I was off the meds, if I managed to leave the house (which I did NOT want to - my husband would have to berate me into it!), all I wanted was to get home. And you could just forget about me answering the phone if friends called. I did.not.want.to.talk.
Even with these negative effects when stopping the Wellbutrin and Traz meds, I decided in Oct 2013 to go cold turkey because my husband and I were talking about adopting from China. China has strict policies regarding anyone who is on antidepressants. But this was a Catch 22 because being off the meds made me NOT want to do anything, much less adopt a child!! But I did stop taking them, and during the next year, I gained a whopping 30 pounds, became anti-social, & was plenty miserable. You see... the Hash wasn't being masked by the feel-good meds anymore! But I kept waking up and faking my way through my days in anticipation of bedtime. Day by day, waiting to go to bed. Forcing smiles and happiness while feeling empty inside. So after a year of this, I got back on my meds to feel normal again. I had NO idea Hashimoto's was to blame. My doctor did check my thyroid levels, but they were in the normal range, as usual.
My other symptoms of Hash:
Stress, stress, stress.
Hair everywhere!
Night sweats.
The word Fatigue is an understatement.
Sensitivity to cold.
Brain fog. (You'd know it if you have it!)
Today, I am always waiting to feel normal again ...Will it be tomorrow? Tomorrow comes and I think Will it be tomorrow? ...Tomorrow? ~~~Just an overall neverending funk.
So.
Hashimoto's.
Are you to blame for my Cuckoo's nest??
Or am I supposed to take Wellbutrin forever because of a serotonin imbalance in my brain? Or does the Hash cause a serotonin imbalance?? Gah! What is it? Which is it??
I have my first visit with an endocrinologist in 11 days. Until then, I will continue to study and learn. I will continue to exercise (when the doctor allows). I will continue to eat clean. (check out the Autoimmune Paleo Diet - I'm on board!)
Most importantly, I will continue to pray.
Oh, here I am with my pretty medical tape choker to cover the surgical smile on my neck.
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